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Freedom

School is finally over. Well, for me at least. Yesterday I had my last exam, so I am officially free for the summer (and free from that particular school forever). It’s quite odd, since the overwhelming relief that I thought I’d feel hasn’t quite hit yet. I guess it’s just hard to believe that it’s actually over. I’ve been at that school for years; going there, having lessons, dealing with the same people every day, and now I won’t ever have to do that again. It’s surreal.

There are points in which I think “oh, I’ve got to revise today” and then immediately go “wait… no I don’t!”, but they are not filled with a sudden rush of joy, or a metaphorical lightness as I remember that I no longer have to study or even go to that school anymore. Maybe it’s just the residual state of mind from exams still lurking? I was so used to that routine of getting up, revising, occasionally walking to school to take an exam, then coming back and relaxing for the evening.

But now I can relax all day, every day. It will probably take a few days for the realisation that I am actually done to fully hit. With me, I don’t normally get that sudden rush of exhilaration when a thing is done, but moments of recognition over the next few days until I can finally think “oh yes, I never have to do that again”. With these exams, being so important, I thought that maybe I’d rush out of the room, punch the air with my fists, collapse onto the floor and even start crying with relief. Because that school has caused me so much stress. And I don’t have to go there again. Of course, I can type those words, but it still doesn’t feel real yet. It is a strange state of mind to be in, but I think exams does that to you. Soon, I hope, I will get that big reaction, that almost physical reaction of oh my gosh, you are actually done. I’ve been wanting to finish at that school for years, and now that I’ve reached that point, I still can’t believe that I have.

I actually didn’t mean this post to turn into a reflective sort of piece, but there we go. It was actually going to be a sort of update, so here: it is summer now, so I have all the free time in the world and I can actually pursue my interests and hobbies. Knowing this blog, and knowing me, you will of course guess that this means Tacita. I think that my historical knowledge has vastly improved (due to one entire topic on my Classical Civilisation syllabus being Pompeii, where Tacita is set!), so I can edit my novel into oblivion and make it as historically accurate, action-packed and tense as possible. I actually have a document for myself, reminding me of all the things that I need to do and change. Tacita was actually pretty historically inaccurate, to my dismay…

I am actually really excited to be getting back into Tacita. I’ve been doing lots of writing over the months (years? I’m not even sure anymore when I last read Tacita), which has hopefully improved my style, vocabulary and all that good stuff that writers have. None of the things I’ve written will probably ever see the light of day, but nevertheless they are good practice and were very relaxing to write after a stressful day of school, studying or exams.

I’d like to think that I’ve matured from the time when I began to write Tacita– I was, what, thirteen then?– and I just pray that it will be reflected in my writing when I edit again. Of course, when re-reading Tacita the last time, there were some bits where I was thinking “oh yes my son, now that is some quality writing”, and I’d love to see how well those have aged. Even when I edited it for the first time, there were some parts where I was just like “what on earth are you even saying there?”– so this time I’m probably going to be doing that a lot more. I’m kind of worried that the entire thing will end up being a pile of garbage, but this is (so far) my most important life’s work, and I am going to make it spectacular if it’s the last thing I do!

So that is pretty much it, in terms of things that are blogging-worthy. It’s quite sad really, because I used to write all kinds of posts about different topics, and now the variety (and frequency) of content is slowing to a small and pathetic trickle. I used to have so much more time back then! And so much more passion! There were actually things on my mind that I could write coherent blog posts about. I blame exams for my creativity being sapped. Hopefully, my Muse will strike again, and I will be able to write my usual essay-length posts on whatever is on my mind. I mean, I don’t have any excuse now that I have no time.

Your reflective blogger, Jaz

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